Ikarishipping Scene 8: Reflection
by AsanganiKalani
Summary: A young woman sits down at her desk, opens her laptop, and begins one of her official first assignments of college. Deeply sighing, she lifts her hands to the keyboard, and begins typing. T for themes of self-harm and serious topics Not Anti-Ikarishipping!


**Reflection**

_A young woman sits down at her desk, opens her laptop, and begins one of her official first assignments of college. Deeply sighing, she lifts her hands to the keyboard, and begins typing._

I came to college with a full-fledged, allegedly flawless plan. My boyfriend, Shinji, and I came here planning to go through the stress of college together, I'd get a head start on work, become a leader on campus, and begin the journey to law school. However, after the first weekend here, the cold slap of reality hit me in the face. My boyfriend, after four years of felicity and support, cheated on me for the second time, lied about it, and admitted to not even loving me to begin with. I immediately fell behind in work due to incessant anxiety leading up to that occurrence, as well as not receiving all of my textbooks until yesterday afternoon. The only friend I had was my roommate, and her friends by association; I was completely alone, depressed, and without any hope. I realized at one point during the weekend that I was not happy with the person I had become in this relationship, and that I was nothing but a weakened, pitiful soul, lost without anyone to guide me. Anyone back in my hometown would tell you that Hikari Light is an iron maiden; a strong, independent young woman who does not request the justification/approval of others to get ahead in life. All she needs is her mind and the knowledge that she can do absolutely anything in this world, because she is powerful, pulchritudinous, and passionate. Until now, I thought that I had had that knowledge, but when a girl falls in love for the first time, she unwillingly gives herself up, and I, sadly, fell into that black, unforgivable abyss. I would do absolutely everything to make sure that he was happy, and content with whatever I was doing. I also found myself critically thinking over what to wear around him, if it would offend him or turn him on, what to say, and what else I can give up. Unbeknownst to me, he had me completely wrapped around his oppressive, insincere finger.

Naturally when I found out that he cheated on me, I immediately blamed myself. "What did I do wrong?" I'd constantly ask myself, or, to temporarily relieve the pain, I'd tell myself, "I'm just not good enough for him." Every day these pesky, erroneous thoughts would peck at my brain, breaking my sanity down piece by piece, until there was nothing left but a potent sentiment of an indescribable yet irrepressible, violent melancholia that caused me to start pulling my hair out, and scratch at my skin/head. I started to only eat little bits of food each day until I wasn't eating anything, and found myself crying every single night from emotional and mental exhaustion whenever he'd take more than five minutes to reply to my text/call. I was completely consumed by him, but I was harrowingly unaware because I was irreversibly in love with who I thought he was: a handsome, accepting prince who found me to be beautiful. Stuck in this outright fantasy world, I was also negligent in how my newfound, peculiar disposition was affecting my parents. They knew from the start that this person was not suitable for me, but again, I was tricked by nice assortments of words, and an alluring smile. Their faces of concern still resonate within my brain, and now, being away from them hurts even more, because they knew far before I did that this was going to happen. As I was frolicking in the fields of an ostensibly indestructible love, in the real world, I was in my bed, constantly in the fetal position, grounded by the binds of stinging sorrow. All I had become was his plaything, something for him to fiddle around with whenever he pleased. I thought that somebody loved me for once, but I was horribly wrong. He was having the time of his life, and I was missing out on the greater parts of my life, purposefully, just to satisfy him.

Now that I am painfully aware of what I've become, due to the relationship, I want to start the healing process, and make friends with myself again. Frankly, and unfortunately, I've never been fully secure with who I am, simply because I've involuntarily gone against the crowd, with my words, actions, fashion, etc. So, I've always relied on other people to make me happy, making me the perfect prey for my present ex-boyfriend to latch onto. I don't want it to matter if I don't mix well with others based on the figurative social ladder; I want to be able to say that I love who I am for the first time with security. What I hope to gain by joining this program, is to find that rebellious, spirited young woman that got trapped within a web of deceit and manipulation, and make her realize that she is wonderful, and insuperable. It's a lot easier for me to just sit in a corner and hate myself for letting someone take advantage of my emotions, actions, and speech. As confident and well-spoken as I can be, I've always delved into self-hatred because it's practically effortless at this point. However, I'm not going to let that happen; never again. Now that I've been broken down, I can only become so much stronger, as cliché as it sounds, and reads. After removing this person from my life, for the first time in months, I felt like my formidable, mighty self again. I didn't have to answer to anyone, and the superfluous stress instantaneously lifted from my shoulders.

I was free.

While this isn't necessarily reflection over my entire life, rather, it's the enlightenment of knowing that I can come out of this ominous pit of despair that I once viewed as the single most fantastic aspect of my life. The spontaneity of change that has happened since arriving on campus speaks to the plethora of positive achievability in my future. So, as I begin my first year with this program, I hope to not only expand my grasp on the philosophies of leadership, but find that vehemently high-powered individual who was battered by a seemingly more dominant person. I know that she exists within my being somewhere; I just want her to come up and make herself known again, now that I'm in a completely new setting where I can totally revitalize myself. I want Hikari Light to be herself again, now that nothing is in her path of immeasurable potential.

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><p>It took a lot to publish this. It took a lot for me to be able to say these things out loud, because certain emotions and actions I stated were things I had been hiding in the relationship that I just got out of. It's very personal, but I know there are millions of people going through the exact same anger and confusion.<p>

I'm a part of a leadership program at my new college, and our first assignment was to write a reflection essay on where we had come from, and what we plan to gain being a part of the leaders on campus. Everything in the first paragraph happened to me, and well, it wasn't fun. Especially within the first week of college when everyone is settling in, meeting new people, etc.

He told me that we would last forever. For months, he'd tell me we'd be together forever, nothing or no one would get in our way. I knew it would happen, but I let him make me think it wasn't. It took him less than a week to completely go against all the words he had said to me before.

Everything I've said in this is how I felt for a very long time. Four long years.

_"Nothing will ever change my love for you, Megan."_

Ladies and gentlemen, emotional abuse is still abuse. If your partner is constantly disappointing you, bringing you down then bringing you back up with frequent "i love you"'s, then that is emotional abuse. If you find yourself worrying more about him/her and what he/she is doing instead of yourself, that is manipulation of emotion. If it seems as if he/she is having the time of your life while you're on the back burner in case he/she screws up, that is manipulation of emotion. It's hard to say out loud that you've been emotionally abused because that's the crap that you see in movies. It's easy to observe from another point of view when someone is in an abusive relationship, but when you're actually involved in it...it's...almost frightening to know that you are so unaware of what that person is doing to you. You're so caught up in the idea that he/she loves you, and will do anything for you, when in reality, he/she is doing everything for you for his/her benefit.

It's truly scary.

I never thought I'd fall into that trap. But here I am.

If there's anything I can say to you all as my readers, it's to be able to respect yourself, and never lose yourself because someone says that he/she loves you. Love is a beautiful connection shared between two people that is avidly desired in our society, but sometimes a person just wants to take advantage of a sad, lonely individual like myself, to make him/her feel better about themselves. I didn't realize that my ex-boyfriend, whom I'm still in love with, was one of these people until a couple days ago. It's hard to distinguish, it really is; manipulators are wonderful at making people think they matter to him/her when they really don't.

The enlightenment was painfully spontaneous, especially through the medium it occurred, but it was inevitable. It's sad because while he's out partying/getting drunk tonight, I'm still worrying if he's okay when I really should be hoping he ends up in a ditch somewhere. He has been manipulating me ever since we got together, but I never saw it like that until now. I thought he loved me, as cheesy as it sounds.

But now, starting a new life in college, I hope to revitalize, and make friends with myself, and maybe say that I love who I am with confidence.

It is my sincerest of hopes that none of you get involved with a person like this. These types of people are masked with charm and projected amicable qualities. Beneath, they're monsters.

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><p>BTW not anti-Ikarishipping at all. There was no other shipping that could really fit this haha. ^^; and I always try to find female empowerment through my stories haha.<p>

Bye for realz.

~AsanganiKalani


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